May 2013
i don’t have a bad sleep schedule unless you have something against australians
we tried to telemarket our refrigerator repair services, but strangely enough every time we asked the customers if their refrigerator was running they would hang up
[[MORE]]i feel like i’m alone in an enclosed space and there are people all around me but i can’t speak or move and no one knows i’m here
how does one become hot girl
me: *unfollows you*
me: *checks your blog to see if you are upset that i unfollowed you*
1 tag
tunawrap:
tunawrap:
WHAT DO YOU CALL A LABRADOODLE THAT LIVES UP NORTH
A YANKEE POODLE
YOU CAN ALSO CALL IT A YANKEE DOODLE THAT WORKS TOO
this joke thing on tumblr needs to end but i just became a part of it :|
5 tags
tunawrap:
WHAT DO YOU CALL A LABRADOODLE THAT LIVES UP NORTH
A YANKEE POODLE
WHAT DO YOU CALL A LABRADOODLE THAT LIVES UP NORTH
i want friends and hot pizza
3 tags
i just discovered poogles are an actual thing. they’re a cross between a beagle and a poodle
2 tags
what do you call an expecting gnat?
pregnat
1 tag
when you feel like eating all of the things but you have none of the things
jesus harold christ on rubber crutches, bobby!
1 tag
my chances of being murdered are really high based i all the psychopathic people rwlated to me and all the people i have ticked off so if i ever stop posting all of a sudden i have probably been murdered
apparently my brother can’t be forced to go to boot camp or anything unless he commits a serious crime so i guess we’ll just sit here and wait for him to kill somebody so that’s cool
antinausea:
tunawrap:
i wish food came out of my butt in the same form it went in so i could eat it again and again forever
poop back and forth, forever.
))<>((
i wish food came out of my butt in the same form it went in so i could eat it again and again forever
2 tags
it’s incredibly difficult to watch someone you grew up with lose everything good in them. the little blond boy with the gap in his two front teeth, playing with kittens and smiling and not being able to sleep without his stuffed dog and monkey, is dead and replaced by a merciless narcissist, following in his dad’s footsteps, causing mass destruction everywhere he goes. hopefully...
instead of sleeping since i have to be up in 3 hours, i’m sitting here in bed nervously tweezing my leg stubble because i’m so stressed out about what my brother is gonna do when he finds out he’s being hauled off to boot camp. mostly that he’s going to hurt my mom or himself. he’s threatened both before if she ever tried to send him away
tomorrow is a big day. my brother is getting signed up for boot camp
i’m dimmadone with your bullshit
i literally have had about 2 notes with every 10 posts the last month or two so if you gave me a note i probably have a shrine for u
i am not discrete at all :|
steve nosdrinker you little fuck
1 tag
the porkchop fell onto the edge of the plate but i saved it
i’m so fuckin gay, i mean tired
2 tags
1 tag
my bf said i can suck any dick i want as long as it’s the dick of a tumblr famous blogger so just hmu if you are tumblr famous/popular :)
1 tag
[[MORE]]nick and i just roleplayed manager/employee because he recently acquired a staff manager position and he put on his outfit and everything and i fucked him for hours and benefits and it was some of the kinkiest sex we’ve ever had
4 tags
2 tags
“did u just compare your dick to nicholas cage”
“yeah, i did, what of it”
can we talk about how boring scene kids are
1 tag
brandnewswastikas:
You never need to use a toilet brush if you are good at peeing really hard.
2 tags
i tried to right click/preview a picture of jerry seinfeld but i accidentally clicked “set as desktop background” and now instead of a pretty starscape my desktop is a bunch of jerry seinfelds
should i change my url to christianscreamo y/n?
2 tags
christian screamo
i used to be a christian but the music scene was really boring so i became a satanist, but the screamo was just as bad. ever since then i’ve been religiously lost
2 tags
dear iphone,
it’s not cool to capitalize the word “internet”
for mother’s day i got my mom some earrings and sunglasses, but my brother totally outdid me. he took her car mud riding, wrecked it, got it stuck in the mud, and spent her entire paycheck in one day. i’ll stop and pick up some flowers and a cake for my crying mom on my way to buy food for the family since she can’t afford it. happy mother’s day
getting away with a fart is no different than getting away with murder
1 tag
“her vagina tasted like grass”
“was she vegan”
“obviously not if she ate my cum”
babyferaligator:
i was gonna make a gay joke but i don’t know any so i just sucked a dick
1 tag
“are you ever gonna jizz?”
“not as long as you keep singing space jam and kelly clarkson!”
i never cook but i decided to surprise nick when he came home from work with pasta but all i really did was cook some twirly wheat noodles and warm up some canned sauce and it’s pretty shitty pasta but i’ve almost eaten the entire thing myself already because well it’s food and it needs to go down the food hole
